Chris was able to call me this Tuesday. It already feels like a month ago. He cried and I cried. I miss him so much that I ache. My physical body hurts. I have never been without him like this and it's miserable. I do everything alone. I write him every day. I cry every day. I don't hardly eat, I barely sleep, I am just existing at this point. He is my soul mate. He is why I wake every day. He is why I am trying to get my self back together again. He is the reason for everything. And he says the same about me. We complete each other in such a way. Great romances rival the connection we share.
But...I am terrified that with all that he is going through he will change. That he will have a different ideal of a female that he wants. Maybe I will no longer be what he wants, what he finds attractive, who shares his humor or new hobbies. What if he realizes that he hates me? I have all these doubts and insecurities that are making me bonkers. I love him. I need him. I crave him. He is the One. The One that I will kowtow to. He is the one that has broken me. My will is his. I am his wife and I will support him in any decision he makes as long as it is honestly good for us. I am just so scared. He's been gone for 3 weeks 4 days and in basic for 3 weeks 1 day. He has 4 weeks til Pass In Review. I am excited for him. I sent him a new calling card so he can call me on PIR weekend. I know he will be with his mom and Matt so I don't want him to ignore them to spend all his time on the phone with me but at the same time I want him to call me, lol. I will have to send his cell to him or have him get a new cell out there. He can do that, get a new one. We should be able to get a discount soon as he gets his military email address. I don't know when he will start school or when he will graduate from that. He might get 2 weeks of leave at Xmas so he can come home. I would friggin love that! We can spare the money to have him fly. I need to get me a jobby job soon. I've been here just a month. I have to go to the base on Thursday at noon to get my military ID and health insurance stuff. I am excited for that.
I can use my military ID for all sorts of stuff.
Our trust issues are a key part of my insecurities. I mean, I think I am somewhat warranted in feeling as I do. He never cheated physically but, it can only lead into it, yeah? Infraction 1: Having nekkid pics of Andrea and still telling her he loved her, after being with me for 3 months and telling me he loves me. Infraction 2: Ashley. Asking her for pics of her nekkid and she actually sent them...wtf? I chewed her out for that one and kicked his ass. Infraction 3/4: 2 instances of internet cybering with women from World of Warcraft, but he was sending pics of his cock to them. I am just a little disturbed by those actions and who knows what he will do in the next instance? Especially now with all the single guys and girls running around in the military. If he goes out with some of the guys and they go to some bar or whatever and there are women there, who knows what will happen. And I am back here being the good wife waiting for her Sailor, her hero to come home and sweep her off her feet. When in reality he's bangin some slut who fancies a guy in uniform. It makes my heart heavy and sad. Of course I could be the good wife on the surface and chase men while he is away. But I can't do it. I was angry the other week and thought about it for a second and sat back and realized that it hurt me more to think about doing that. I just don't cheat unless it's an open relationship. We definitely don't have that. He tells me he misses me and loves me and misses me. I think he misses me out of convenience. I don't know. I still have reservations as when he sent his box of stuff home, his cell was in it. I opened it to get his dads cell number and noticed that he had dialed someone in Portland, Oregon. Andrea is from there. I felt sick and wrote him a letter asking what was up with that. He hasn't responded back to it. I should have the letter with the response this weekend. If he called her I will not hesitate to cease writing him or answering his calls. I will, at that point, have nothing to say to him. He made his choice with that call. Even if he didn't talk to her, it is a deal breaker. I don't care. My heart has been pure and I refuse to be made a fool of.
Basic is designed to do this, gets us and them used to being apart without communication. I understand it but it still sucks. I mean even with comm locks they can still shoot an email at some point. I can survive not seeing him, but its the verbal/aural deprivation that is hardest for me. I need to here his voice to calm me. I miss him. So much. Gah, I can't stop bawling. This is getting old too. I am gonna go for now, but I will be back with updates or just to bitch, soon.
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