Chris made additional mistakes...seems I am not enough for him and he has sought out others for his sexual deviance. Really the act itself is not as bothersome as I had anticipated this time. It is the fact that he stated to me that it was when I was sick and not feeling well. Hmm...so of course that made me feel guilty and miserable. I than pulled away as I was hurt. He than searched out other women to cyber with or whatever. Plus the amount of masturbation on his part is saddening. It basically tells me I am not nor will I ever be enough. When the Ashly fiansco transpired, my heart imploded and I crawled into my shell to wait out the rage that would have enveloped everyone in my path. Inside my protective cover I swallowed the pain and regret and protected everyone from what would have been disasterous. We married because I was looking for stability and a way to get myself on my feet. It was wrong and I am damned for that choice, but he was wrong in his actions. Two wrongs do NOT make a right. I cannot bare to go through this again and again and again. Just because he has sex issues. I do NOT. I am fine without it and in fact could care less about it. He told me today he jerks off 3 times a day. WTF? My gut turned. Plus that doesn't count the times he does it in his sleep. I mean FFS, really? I am embarrassed about it. It makes me find him far less attractive. But of course the other shit comes into play as well. The cybering with women online is crude. Said he did it cause he was lonely. Well, tough shit asshole. Sometimes people get sick, or worse and that is how you deal? No fuckin way man, I won't tolerate that shit, no way no how. Not on my watch. He can kiss off into the sky. I am seriously angry. Because I did take marriage seriously. I did love him. I did care. I still do. But I told him I don't. I told him that I am not in love with him and that it has been dead since Ashley. A good portion of it did die than and the small part that remained was trying to regenerate and just as shit was going well, he fucked it up again and the last few roots were burned by the scorching anger that I was rapt in. I chose to go the way of the phoenix and let it burn out, I can build again as I rise from the ash of this mess. I need this to die or I will. I hurt so intensely right now that I am numb. As the feeling comes back it is going to get really bad here and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know if I can. I am humiliated for a 3rd time and my chances of recovery are slim to none. I hate him for what he has done to me.
I missed my doc appt yesterday. Been feeling pretty ok and I think that the week I was ill was a flu bug or something. I have been eating better though too so that could be something to do with it. I have had diarrhea the last 2 days but I also fasted alot too. I think it will clear up in a few days. I will reschedule the endoscopy if I start feeling poorly again. I think it's over though. I just feel different, like alive. I don't know how to explain it. Like something has changed internally. Might be my craziness talking again though too, lol.
I am going to go take a shower. I seriously need one. I need to shave my legs, omg, fuzzeh legs are not sexy. Of course who do I need to be sexy for? Getting my hair done Tuesday afternoon and that pleases me immensely. I need it bad, it makes me feel better to have it done. Besides, it will be a year before I can get it done again. I am going to job prospect this week and send out a few resumes. See what kind of answer I get.
Showers calling my name. Might take a bath instead. Yeah a bath sounds great!
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