I told Chris to NOT call me today...he has held fast to it. I am impressed and pleased. I am hoping to see how long he can go. I know I can go along time. I did send him a story via email but it wasn't a reason to call me. I won't answer it if he does call. I have him on notice and until I am in the mood to deal with him, I won't. I have enjoyed the quiet. He can't sit there and think about me all damned day. It will make him lazy and nuts. Man up, Chris and take care of business. I see he is going to run a 15k in February. It will take some serious dedication to do it. I hope he knows what he got himself into. It's almost 10 miles. I know he can do it if he wants to but hes going to have to really put in some serious running time. Like every day and increasing distance every few days to condition himself to get to the point where he can run 10 miles comfortably. I mean I know James does it alot but Chris is not a runner and he's new to it. I think that if he is determined enough to do it, he will be just fine.
I am anxious to feel well enough to get into something that will allow me to be more active as well. I hate sitting here all day. I hate feeling dumpy and fat. I mean I am losing weight but if I was exercising it would fall off in a ridiculous time frame. I can manipulate my body pretty well. I don't run though, I stand and fight. lol. I prefer different styles of exercise. I like aerobics, I like kick boxing, I like reg. boxing, I dig dance-aerobics, I like spinning. I like walking if I have the tunes and mood to do it.
I am miserable. I mean I know how to fix it, but I seriously have no motivation to do it. I don't know why. I need someone to make me do it, but...I am not a fan of that. I mean, I fight people that do that shit, even if I want them too or if I am paying them to do it.
It's 3am. I am watching Good Will Hunting. One of my fave movies of all time. Chris did well, he didn't call me all day. I wonder how long he will keep it up. I can go...days...weeks...months. I told him to find a girl there to ease his mind and his sexual tension. I mean, I know that sounds callous but in all honesty...it will happen. I know him better than he knows himself and I know men. I am cutting to the chase with it. Why drag the shit out? I am also just scared but regardless I cannot help him or appease him. Even if I was there, things would suck after a few weeks and we would be at each others throats. I don't know if he and I are going to survive this. I don't know if I can. I don't want another man, I want Chris. I love him. But I also know that he needs things that I cannot give him. He shouldn't have to suffer because of me. It's not fair considering what he has given up for me. It was unfair for him to do this at all as me as his purpose. It puts a guilt on me that I cannot handle.
I am just scared of losing him unwillingly I guess and this is the only shot I have at not.
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