D-Day...

Last week I had an ultrasound done. Results came back and the doc called me on Wednesday. She said 3 things: Non-Alcoholic Liver Cirrhosis, Fatty Liver Disease and Gallstones. I cried...and cried and still cry, even right as I type this. Doc said she was going to send my file to the liver specialist and have info for me today when I see her at 2pm. I started a liver cleansing diet last Thursday. Felt pretty darn good til yesterday. Than I started feeling yucky again, still feeling yucky today. Pain sucks. Of course I think some of it is nerves as I have been dreading this day since she called me last week. I would have thought that if there was something really really bad she would have sent me into the specialist right away. However, I don't know how Mayo works just yet. All I know is that I am starving, tummy will growl like crazy but I have pain and can't eat. It's rather frustrating. My gallbladder is what is causing me grief right now. It hates me. But really my fear lies in the word "cirrhosis". There is NO cure NO treatment, only transplant if you are lucky. Really lucky. Life expectancy is 5 yrs after diagnosis. *cries again*

I just married my soul mate and I can't leave him now. He makes me soooo happy even when I'm feeling bad he is my rock. I don't want to go, not now. I should live til I'm old and withered and used up. I wanna live and I mean really LIVE! Not just go thru the motions and exist. I wanna go places, see things, do things, feel the sun on a white sand beach with no one else but him with me. I wanna make love in fantastic places with him. My heart aches for him when hes away and I feel so terrible for pushing him away when I feel sick. He tries so hard to do right by me and he has, god he really has. I am the one who falls short. Never have I measured up to him. I fear I never will but god I want the years to try. I want to go back to work and be a functional human being. I want to make our world with him, not just him for me. It's not fair. None of this is fair to him. It hasn't been fair for over a year. I have steadily declined and become more distant and he has tried so hard to close the gap only to watch me run from him in shame. I bare so much guilt and I am soooo sorry. He will never know about this blog. I have hidden it well. This is my place to vent to cry to apologize. There is nothing worse than watching loved ones suffer because of you. I could have avoided this too...maybe? If I hadn't gotten so fat and lazy. If I had taken better care of myself I would have avoided this? Maybe? But my genetics tell a different tale. My mother has super high cholesterol. Even if I was slim and active, I would still have the cholesterol. I might still have the fatty liver just because my body creates its own fat. At least that is what I have been told from mom. I think that I am to blame none the less. I have been sedentary forever and I had been eating horribly. Do I deserve this though? Have I been such a bad person? I take care of my mother who I love, but despise at the same time. She has caused me a lot of grief and pain. Yet...I am the child out of all of them, who has allowed her to live in my home and care for her. She has had 2 major surgeries and I have been here. I don't know if what we have done is really appreciated or if she just expects it. Either way she has had things pretty good here. She buys food, lots of it, and its appreciated. Not needed but she does contribute. However, it does not come without strings. Most things don't with mom. Love is conditional with her. We have never been mom and daughter. I have tried a million times but only in vain. She is incapable of that relationship. She is a friend at best and not one that I tell my secrets too, that is for sure. She is a double edged sword. I love her and need her as my mom, but she as a person is a rude obnoxious bitch. Anyway that's enuff wasted on her for now.

My husband is a great man. I love him, warts and all. His heart is pure gold and he loves me. Even when we aren't getting along, he still loves me and I him. That is love I think. When no matter how mad you get at each other, you still have the knowing that no matter what, that you love them with the fire of a 1000 suns your body aches for them and your heart swells upon hearing their name. That is how I feel about him, even in my dark moments. I might yell and cuss and tell him I hate him, but he knows I don't. He understands that I am in pain or frustrated. Than when I feel better I do my best to apologize. He accepts it. I just don't want to run out of apologies with him. I don't want him to all of a sudden stop accepting them. This is why I NEED to get well. I need to show him that I am better than what I have been the last year. When we first got together is how I want things to be again. Where we went out to movies, shopping, museums, for long walks at the park. Not stationary in the house breathing the same stale air for months and months at a time. I don't want him to start to hate me and hate what I have become. I am better than this. I remember who I am. I know who I am. I want my fucking life back and I want it back NOW! I am not going to live like this, in pain, miserable and sick. I refuse it. I have lived with it long enuff. I am DONE WITH IT! My life is more important that this illness. I am not going to suffer anymore.